My old self was inactive, frustrated that she wasn’t writing regularly, overweight, and less than kind to herself. I continue to run into that self now and again, plunging back into old patterns that no longer serve me. The difference is now, when I do run into her, I can see her and I can remind her that she’s changed. I can even show her before and after pictures! I can take her to my manuscript, my blog, my journals and say, “See, if you’re so frustrated about not writing, what is all this then??” Proof positive that I can let go of those old patterns and entitle myself to feel good about my progress. Despite my recent losses…I need to feel good about my gains.
I had a few of those moments over the last couple months, I must admit. The decision to file bankruptcy was not an easy one for me and it propelled me back to tons of old emotional baggage that I really hadn’t dealt with in awhile. Yesterday, I chose to turn in my leased Mercedes and give it back to the dealership. Yes, it took me about a month to work up to that one. I mean, really, who wants to give up their 2008 Mercedes and trade it in for a less-than-new ride? But that was just the surface and I really was more attached to my progress and momentum than I was the car, so that made it infinitely easier, almost exciting, when it all came down. I was so determined to complete the project that I even hopped in my “new” car afterwards and drove immediately to the DMV, so focused was I on washing what wasn’t real and sustainable out of my life and allowing something new and truer in.
Little did I know that that would be the one day that the DMV would be closed for training…leading me on a path to visit another office in a not-as-desirable part of town, a part of town that I had frequented eight years ago when I was a newly single mom, receiving public assistance and Food Stamps. For a half a second, it was depressing going back – had I really just spent eight years in vain? Rising above my lack to succeed, establishing over a $1.5 million dollar real estate portfolio, creating my own company, finding my leadership voice…only to come right back?? Only to lose it all?? My baggage spoke heavily for a moment, pulling me down with the weight of it – depressing my spirit and momentarily creating the illusion that I hadn’t gotten anywhere at all after all that WORK. “Wow,” the baggage said. “What a loser!” (I’m not saying that taking assistance when you need it makes you a loser, but in that moment I felt like a loser because I had worked so hard to rise above and it felt in vain.)
Whew, well thank goodness, that only lasted about a minute because my new self, the one that absolutely knows without a shadow of a doubt that in my losses I have gained incredible lessons…and that in my ability to share my stories, I will be able to help many many other people…that new self piped up quickly. “Give it a rest, already – that’s simply not true! Enjoy this moment because it is a moment of liberation, of freedom, from all the old patterns and ways of trapping yourself that you carried before!” And that is so true! In the last ten years alone, I have experienced:
The death of a marriage
The birth of a child
The death of three grandparents
The birth of another child
The birth of a career
The death of a career
The birth of a business
The death of a business
The birth of an abundant bank account
The death of an abundant bank account
The gaining of 50+ pounds
The losing of 50+ pounds
The birth of a new business
The birth of a kick-ass credit score
The death of my kick-ass credit score
The birth of a book
The birth of a new marriage
AND last, but not least,
Seven physical moves and changes of address!!
I have to say up til this very moment, I have never done that inventory and I’m sure at least a few of those things….say, um, death, divorce, moving, business loss, and bankruptcy…file in somewhere near the top of “Life’s Greatest Stresses” list. Yes, its time to give myself some credit and kick that old self and those lousy patterns to the curb!! If nothing else, I preserved my sanity (well, that could be called into question, I suppose…) and lived to tell about it!!
The call to action for you, my readers today, is to grant yourself some grace and ACKNOWLEDGE what you have accomplished and see your old self for what it is….old and tired. Let go and let’s flow!
December 19th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
Wow, Theresa – that inventory is very powerful. I’m doing my own inventory of the last ten years mentally right now. I can’t help but notice that there are more births than deaths on your list. Here’s to all the births to come in the next ten years!